Spotless Mind

Do you remember this? Do you remember having this very photograph on your phone’s wallpaper for a very brief moment? I do. I remember a lot. I remember it all. You used to call me beautiful. You used to call me babe. You used to love taking my photograph & sharing it with your friends. You used to tell people about me like you were actually proud. For a short time, I actually believed that it was love we had found.

Then from one day to the next, it was all gone. In the blink of an eye, I was no longer the one.

You slowly stopped complimenting me. In fact, you began to do the very opposite. Negative. “You’re so negative,” you’d always say to me. Instead of letting me vent, you made me feel bad about it. Instead of hearing me out, you started to shut me out.

So many nights I laid in bed crying, wishing I was different. Wishing I was more beautiful, more positive, happier, skinnier. I laid in bed wishing I was everything that I wasn’t. Well I was, but you made me feel like I wasn’t. I wondered if you’d actually love me again, if I could be all those things in your eyes. I shouldn’t have thought like that though. I could’ve been a goddess and you still would’ve kicked me down and fed me lies.

Straight from my private blog

Stupid. You knew that was a trigger word for me. You still said it though. You still played so many stupid games with my mind and heart. Yet you called me stupid. It wasn’t me that was stupid dude, it was all your games. It was your lies that were stupid. It was the pushing me away then holding me tight saying, “it’s going to be ok, it’s going to turn out alright,” that was stupid. I should’ve just let you go then.

You tried. Oh God, it’s almost embarrassing how many times you tried to leave and I broke down and begged you to stay. I was pathetic. It’s so sad. You stayed though. You usually always stayed.

It’s like, you played into my fear of abandonment, my fear of rejection. You played into it so well. It was always push and pull with you. You’d start to push me away and I’d pull and pull. I’d try to grab onto any little bit of you that I could. Then I’d give up, & try to let you go. I’d finally just let go, and then there you were. Showing back up to take me to dinner. You’d invite me to your house and have something special waiting for me.

It wasn’t only for me though was it? How many times did you go to the store and buy me gifts, while you were buying gifts for the other girls? How many times, did you buy us each a fuzzy blanket, a book and a cute journal? I’m curious. How many did you shop for all at once? What was the max? Never-mind, I don’t care. I knew you did it. I caught you, I overlooked it though. Why? Because I was infatuated with you. I just wanted you to stop & choose me, only me. You never did that though.

All the signs were always there. The truth was right in my face. I chose to ignore it. I chose to be blind. Rose-colored glasses I guess, because no matter what you did, I still just wanted you next to me. I still felt like I needed you in my life.

It wasn’t always like that though. It wasn’t always bad. At least, it didn’t seem like it to me. What happened to the times where we were praying together? What happened to us blessing our food each time we ate a meal? Sitting at the park, enjoying nature, enjoying each other. When I first met you, you did all of these things and more. You seemed like such a good person to me. You even brought an umbrella to my door when you picked me up and it was raining so I wouldn’t get wet. You seemed like quite the gentlemen at first. I was in awe. You were like my handsome knight, or at least you played the part right. Looking back now, I’m starting to wonder, was it all an act? Did you go to those extremes so that you would be portrayed as someone with good character? In reality, were you just being a character? Like a fictional character from all my favorite books?

You did all the right things in the beginning. You would drive 40 minutes to my house, just to hang out with me. I felt so special. I felt so wanted. I thought you were special. I was wrong. Well, maybe I was right in a way. You turned out to be special. A special kind of narcissist is what you actually were.

I’m not saying this stuff to hurt you. I’m not saying this to see if you still care. I’m not trying to taint your name in any way. Which is why I haven’t mentioned your name. Sure there are pictures, but who cares.

I’m just tired of feeling like it was all my fault, all of it. The more I write, the more I know. It’s like, more & more memories pop up in my head. In all those moments, I could never see the truth. I couldn’t see what was there. I couldn’t see the real you. Now that I’m out of it though, now I see all the signs. They were always there, right in front of my eyes. I guess what I’m doing, is trying to get it all out of my mind. The pain I feel, when a memory pops up, is very real. It’s still so sharp. I’m just hoping that with releasing this, it won’t hurt anymore. I’m hoping that each time I jot down a memory, that it will be erased from my mind. Just like that movie, remember? The one you said was so sad that you didn’t want to watch. How funny. Never realized, I’d one day be in that same spot.

You never wanted me to vent back then, you never wanted to hear me out. So here is me releasing my thoughts, all of the thoughts that have been driving me crazy for years. Here is me using my voice & speaking up about everything I went through, everything I saw. Here is me admitting it, something you never could do. I looked up to you. I thought you were so great. It’s not like that anymore though, no, not any longer, not at all.

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