Christmas time always hits a little different

Especially when I realize, it’s yet another year that I won’t have a special someone to exchange gifts with. It’s not that I wish I was getting gifts, it’s that I miss that feeling of sitting across from someone that I love, watching the expression on their face as they open gifts that I put so much time and effort into. I always tried to make it perfect.

I cared. I actually cared a lot. The birthdays, Valentine’s days and Christmases we spent together, were usually filled with beautiful gifts & grand gestures. I thought he cared. I really did.

The gifts I would receive were always perfect. This person actually read me so perfectly. He knew me all too well. He knew exactly what I wanted and needed even when I didn’t quite know it yet myself.

I haven’t been “talking” to or “dating” anybody new. It’s actually been a good while since I have been seeing anyone. There was one guy I had met that I developed a huge crush on that lasted a year… But it took a whole year to go on one date. So eventually I gave up on that. Since then it’s just been me, Bella & Zen alone every night. It’s actually been quite nice.

I don’t miss feeling like I have to chase anyone.

I don’t miss the anxiety I got from questioning whether they were being loyal and faithful to me or not. I don’t miss wondering if I’m going crazy. I don’t miss questioning my sanity. I don’t miss the tears over the lies. I don’t miss the nights I spent crying because I was hurting because my heart loved someone so much. I don’t miss the manipulation. I don’t miss the gaslighting. I don’t miss the fights. I don’t miss any of that. I don’t miss having people look me up on social media to tell me they slept with my boyfriend. I don’t miss girls smiling in my face being friendly knowing they were also sleeping with my boyfriend while I had no clue. I don’t miss the pain in my chest that was so unbearable that made me wish I could just die. I don’t miss the embarrassment. I don’t miss the misery. I don’t miss wishing he would just stop lying to me. I don’t miss any of it.

So what do I miss?

I miss being next to someone that thought the world of me. I miss being the reason someone was smiling uncontrollably. I miss the excited expression on someone’s face when they saw me go from looking like a zombie one moment, to then looking like a complete bombshell the next. I miss going to dinners with someone and just talking about everything and anything that we could think of. I miss going on adventures and feeling like nothing else mattered because I was safe with them.

But you know what?

I’m pretty happy all by myself. I feel complete as odd as that seems. I no longer feel like a piece of me is missing or broken.

They say all’s well that ends well and that’s true.

The good news is, I got over him. I got over my ex. We had a good break years ago. Things were still rocky for a long time after. I still held onto hope. I still held onto him. I still held onto the friendship for a long time because I thought that was what I wanted. I eventually realized it wasn’t. It took one last reveal, but it ended. I cut it off. I blocked him because I realized our whole relationship was either a lie, or he really is a pathological liar that needs to stay out of my life. Either way, I have that good, clean break to look back on. I choose to remember the last goodbye as a decently happy one. The last good bye was almost like me surrendering. I surrendered and realized, no matter how much I loved that person, it was just over. It needed to be over. I was ok with that. I am ok with that. So don’t get me wrong here. I don’t miss my ex. I don’t wish to ever be back in his arms. I don’t ever want to subject myself to that kind of treatment ever again.

The last Christmas he & I spent together was not good at all. I still have voicemails from that night of my family trying to get a hold of me to make sure I was ok. I still remember that night. I refuse to ever be in that kind of toxic and violent relationship ever again.

However, I do miss the lovey feeling that usually surrounds the holidays. I wish I could feel that again. I wish I could give that feeling again.

Christmases in Utah haven’t been bad with my sister & her little family at all. In fact, it’s been quite joyous watching children experience the magic that comes from Christmas & believing in the Christmas Spirit. It’s been cute. I’m excited for this year actually because I have a little surprise for the girls.

I just can’t help but wish I had someone I could cozy up with on Christmas Eve.

Maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough to experience real love. Healthy love. Until then, I’m good all alone. One can’t help but wish though…

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