Two and a half years ago, I got up and moved across the country so I could heal. I needed to break free from the situation I was in. I needed to get out, I needed to get away. It’s been two and a half years, so why do the memories still come as if it was just yesterday?
I woke up this morning from a bad dream. I jolted awake. I think my conscious brain was tryin to snap my subconscious brain out if it to save me. I was having bad dreams, well almost like bad memories.
There we were in my dream. There you were. It wasn’t all roses and cupcakes. I don’t remember too much of my dream, but I do remember the pain. I know in the dream it happened again, I caught you. I found a girl’s bras in your truck. Oh that truck, you don’t even have that truck anymore… but there we were. I found someone’s bras and I was devastated. I acted on my emotions and grabbed a pair of scissors and started cutting them up. I was furious yet devastated. I was so hurt.
I woke myself up as we started to argue about it. I woke myself up because I didn’t want to be in that situation. I didn’t want to feel that pain. I wish I could say it was just a silly dream… it was more than that though. It was almost like a memory. I say almost like a memory because things were different, but that did really happen. Almost like a dream of a flashback. It felt so real, so intense. Why? I guess that’s trauma.
It really was traumatic going through everything I went through. Going over to your house thinking everything was fine, then opening up a drawer because my intuition told me to do it, then finding a bunch of someone else’s underwear. You literally had one drawer for me, one drawer for her. Two drawers for two Alina’s. Lol. I wish I was making this up.
It’s not made up though, it’s true. It happened. I thought I was over it all I thought with spilling all of the memories out into this blog, that I was healing. I thought that I was almost healed. I guess my subconscious hasn’t quite gotten over it yet though.
I wish I could say he didn’t pop up in my dreams often, but he does. I wish I could just be completely free, but when you go through so much trauma, the healing takes twice as long.
It was traumatic. Believing in someone. Believing that the love they expressed to you was true. Only to find out it was all a facade. To realize that you were just a pawn, can really fuck someone’s brain up. I was just a pawn. Yet he was my real love. I loved him with all of my heart, all of my soul, I loved him with all that I was. I guess that’s why those memories are stuck. I just wish they would quit popping up.
Technology is so advanced. When will there be a delete button for our brains? Sometimes, I wish I could just delete every trace of you. I wish I could remove every trace of you from my heart, from my mind, from my soul. I know I would be deleting all of the good too, but that’s the price I’d be willing to pay to do away with all of the pain.
He hurt me. He really did. I’m over him, I’m over it. I’m just not over the pain, it’s lingering. I guess it’s lingering because I realize that I’m different now. I realize I value myself now. Not only does it make me feel sad for myself, remembering everything I allowed myself to go through, but it makes me furious. Furious that someone could take advantage of me so bad without me even realizing. Furious that someone could say I love you to me then lay in bed with another female that night telling her the same.
I thought I was healed. Some days are better than others, but the truth is, it hurt. It really did. It’s probably going to be awhile before I can rid myself of all of the lingering pain in my heart. It’s fine though, that’s part of life. Part of the process. I just wish it would hurry up.
I won’t let it affect me though. Not enough to ruin my day, not enough to keep ruining my life.
I woke up from a bad dream. I felt weird. I felt angry, I felt sad, I felt like it really just happened. Instead of allowing the feeling to ruin my whole day, I cleaned. I cleaned my whole room. I reorganized and sat down to write this blog.
Choices. I’m making better choices these days and I’m so proud of myself. In the past, that bad dream would’ve ended up being a whole bad day, a bad week, it would’ve felt like a bad life. Not anymore though. I’m in control now. I control how my day goes. I control the feelings I feel. I no longer allow them to stay stuck under my skin causing me to feel nauseous. Nope. I cleaned. I wrote. & I sang really loud to Taking Back Sunday, and now I’m ready to see where else this day goes.