Feeling Better = Being a Fun Aunt

So my oldest niece has been asking me to take her to a coffee shop. I finally took her to one today. Where did she get this idea to go to a coffee shop? Who knows lol.

For weeks I’ve been extremely irritable and have felt this intense rage for no reason. I went from being extremely depressed, to hypomanic, to full blown manic, to irritable as hell, to finally feeling stable. My poor nieces, whom I babysat for two years up until Friday, had to deal with that roller coaster of emotions from me.

Somehow though, my niece still wanted to spend quality time with me & do something cool. So I took her to a coffee shop in Salt Lake City so she could have a hot cocoa while I had an espresso frappé. Then we went to an immersive art museum. It’s called Dreamscapes and it’s totally rad. I recommend it if you’re ever in the area. But anyway, I know doing these fun things doesn’t make up for all the yelling I’ve done. I know it doesn’t make up for how mean I have been. But I hope that one day, she looks back & realizes how much I did try when I was actually feeling better.

Kids don’t understand mental illness at all. Heck, many adults still don’t. So it’s hard to explain to them why I have such drastic mood swings. I just hope when they’re older, they have a better understanding of what it was that I was going through. I hope they always continue to see me as the cool, fun, single aunt. Lol. Even though I have Bipolar Disorder, I hope they know, that when I’m angry Alina, I still love them.

I feel bad sometimes looking back on all the fun we didn’t have while I was experiencing my depressive episode. Some days, I could barely get the motivation to be awake. While others, I was so energetic that I wanted to take them to splash pads, parks, water parks, arcades, etc. I just hope when they’re older, instead of being mad that I didn’t take them absolutely everywhere they wanted to go when they wanted, that they’re just grateful that I was here.

Being a nanny wasn’t ideal for me. I don’t have children of my own, so I don’t have patience for children, and it’s hard understanding them and their emotions sometimes. Especially when my own are just as big. Lol. Although it wasn’t ideal, it was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. I’m forever grateful that my sister gave me the opportunity to move in with her and be her nanny. It’s something I will cherish for the rest of my life. Had this not happened, I would probably still be in Florida and barely even know these girls. I’m glad I got to watch them grow. It was a beautiful experience even with all the intense emotions.


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