November 2020

All it takes for me to get attached to someone is for them to share a deeper connection with me, then I instantly get hooked. A few deep, mind stimulating conversations, and I’ll find myself obsessing over this person for days on end. Fantasizing about a life together, a future. I actually thought for a second that I had met my “twin flame” in the flesh once. That’s how intense I can feel things. I feel things intensely, sometimes quickly, and often dramatically.

5 tabs open. For some that might be common, seems for most that is too much! I usually have about 15 open at one time & I switch back and forth through the different tabs working on different things all in the same time span. This is true, this really happens, but this is also my brain.

Codependency. I guess I knew what it meant but not fully. The definition according to the dictionary is as follows

co·de·pend·en·cy: psychol a state of mutual dependence between two people, esp when one partner relies emotionally on supporting and caring for the other partner

What makes me happiest? I’m not quite sure these days… I find myself sitting in solitude night after night just letting the time slip away. It wasn’t until recently that I decided to let the thoughts just pour out into this blog and see what happens. My therapist is constantly reminding me to journal. To be honest, I quite enjoy it. Only thing I don’t like at all is the fact that my hand starts to cramp very quickly because I clearly don’t know how to hold a pen.

August 2021

I started jotting down thoughts and feelings back in November. I had a whole plan on what I was going to do with this blog. I spoke about it with people closest to me. Then I had a depressive episode & fell completely off. I’m back again though. Ready to put in effort to get this going & be consistent. I debated what my first post would be about. I’m somewhat of a perfectionist & I didn’t want to do it at all if I couldn’t do it perfectly.

Nobody is perfect though. No work of art is ever going to be considered completely perfect. You just have to do the damn thing. Get it started, get it going. Doesn’t matter if your first piece is complete trash. Just do it!

So this is my first post. Nothing makes sense. Nothing ties together. I was worried about that, but I’m not anymore. You know why? Because I promised to be authentic. & this is as authentic as it gets lol. Nothing makes sense because my brain never makes sense.

This is a glimpse into my bipolar brain in my borderline life. Welcome! All I ask is for you to try to keep an open mind. Try not to judge. & above all else, try to be compassionate. In the end, this is real, this is my life. Please be nice.

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