All too well… Damn you Taylor Swift. Damn you & your brilliant mind and beautiful heart. I, like many others, cried to your freaking video. Why? Because, “I remembered it all too well.”
But did you? I know I said I was over it, over you. I couldn’t help but feel like I was watching a remake of my life, of our lives, together. The lake, oh listening to music by the lake…. The thought of that itself breaks my heart even more. It’s like you still have your hand over it & your just twisting it. Why?
The lake, listening to music by the lake. That will always be one of my favorites but also one of the most hurtful memories of us together. You made me fall in love with you there. You sang a few song lyrics & played my favorite music for me by the lake. You knew it was my happy place. Those were the times that I really felt like you loved me. Those were the very few times, that I genuinely believed that you cared… What happened?
I never understood. I still don’t understand, I should’ve left it at that. I shouldn’t have let you back in after that. But those times at the lake, those times with the scratch offs trying to see if we could win anything. Those were the moments where I was starting to fall in love with you. Those were the moments in which I thought I actually knew you.
I was wrong. I didn’t know you. I probably wasn’t even the only girl that you took to those exact spots. So why do I remember it all too well?
It was rare. It felt rare, what we had. The connection I felt to you, was something I had never imagined I would ever experience. With anyone. I still doubt I’ll even ever feel it again. I’m not sure if any of it was ever real for you, but it was for me.
I remember it all too well. From the introduction to the last hug.
You sat at my bar. You ordered a drink. I checked your ID & didn’t realize you & your brother were twins. I thought that was cool. I still hadn’t gotten a good look at you, so I kept doing my job. Making drinks & having conversations with people around my bar. You striked up a conversation with me. I will never forget, you asked my ethnicity & you said I was beautiful. I was flattered. I started to pay attention to you. You were handsome. One of the most handsome men I had ever interacted with in my life. You were funny too. You tried to convince me to end my shift & hop in your car to go to Miami. I know you were joking, but I contemplated it. I know if I would’ve been down for it you would’ve been down too. Lol. I didn’t go though. You were gone for a few days. Your buddy came in everyday though. He was cool to talk to, it was fun when you were both in together. I liked customers like you. Then one night, I told you I was going to a concert at the Ritz. You told me about your connections there & when you found out who I was going to see there, you did the one thing, the one and only thing you could’ve done to make me fall in love. You didn’t know it then, well, maybe you did. But you sang a verse from one of my favorite songs by the band I was going to see. I instantly melted. I instantly fell in love. It was pathetic. It seemed so innocent though. So genuine. So authentic. I remember it all too well… It wasn’t though was it? It wasn’t authentic. You weren’t this innocent dude. You were so far from it.
“You see the months they don’t matter, it’s the days I can’t take, when the hours move to minutes and I’m seconds away.”
You lured me in. I was yours from that moment on. I couldn’t let you know though, so I walked away. I was trying my hardest to hide all of my feelings. It was too good to be true. I knew it. I should’ve listened to my gut.
I shouldn’t have told my friend that I was crushing on you. It probably would’ve just ended there. You would’ve just been another guy that came through the bar. I would’ve continued working there for years. Probably would’ve taken them up on the managerial position & hated my life. Lol. So I guess either way I would’ve ended up hating my life. Jk
Easter. Easter will always be a special holiday for me. You actually brought me around your friends on Easter. I will never forget laying with you in the hammock. It seemed so peaceful. We seemed so peaceful together. What happened?
It’s like, I think back, and I just remember all of the hurt I felt. I remember all of the times you made me feel crazy! I remember all of the times that I would lose control of myself because of you and your constant triggers. I know I wasn’t pleasant to be around either. That’s because all the confidence I had inside of me was crushed. You crushed it. You crushed me! You claimed I was smothering you. In reality, you were slowly killing me. The lies. The girls. The hairs & pins & girls shit I would find & you always had some sort of excuse or lie. Or it was a coworkers. There was always a lie. Why?
So many fights. Scratches. Bruises. Black eyes. It almost sounds fake. But it’s not. It was bad. We knew it was bad.
We still made up. We still carried on. We still tried to move past things as if everything was great and nothing happened. But that wasn’t true was it… You were the first to admit it. I wrote about it. I wrote about it a lot. I wrote about being called stupid by you. I wrote about knowing I needed to leave you. I just couldn’t could I? Why?
What I felt for you was so intense and so real. It’s almost scary how much love I felt for you. You were my person. You were the only person I had eyes for, for a long time. You were the only person I wanted to be around. So maybe I did smother you. I didn’t mean to. I just loved you so much and I felt like I wanted to soak as much of it up as I could. I didn’t know how long it would last… I guess deep down I knew it wouldn’t. I just couldn’t admit that for a long time.
I was strong for a moment there though. We broke up and I started going out with my friends and not worrying about you. You didn’t like that though. You pulled me out of that really quick. Now looking back though, I wonder, was it because you really did want me back, or was it because you thought I was taking “your friends?” I really think it was the latter which is sad. Sure I met them through you, but I loved them & they loved me. They loved me more than you did, & you didn’t like that did you?
I remember it all too well. Every fight. Every kiss. Every hug. Every time I tried to kiss you & you turned your lips away. I was so stupid. What makes me the most sad, is knowing that I allowed myself to go through all of that hurt. All of that heartbreak. Why? Because I believed this liar was my twin flame?
I left though. I asked you, if you were sure that you didn’t want to try anymore. You said you didn’t want to. So I made the decision & I flew across the country. You cried. You actually cried. Like what the hell? You kept asking if I was sure about it. You didn’t want to tell me not to go, but I know you didn’t want me to. We both knew though, that it was the best thing that could happen for me. So I moved. You helped me pack & sell my stuff. You took me to dinner one last time. Then I was gone.
I’m over you. I really am. I finally realized you didn’t love me. I’m not going to continue trying to force something. So I let go. But damn does it still hurt to remember. I thought I couldn’t feel that way anymore. I felt like I was dissociating for a while. Experiencing some depersonalization because my past almost doesn’t seem real. But damn. In this moment, I know it was real & I know it happened to me. Because I remember it, all too well.