I knew it from the very beginning. We both knew. So why did we stay in it? It makes absolutely no sense.
I constantly blamed myself and my fucked up brain. I always blamed my depression for everything. I didn’t realize, you were pushing me into the depression. Every time I got messages from girls claiming to be dating you; oh each and every time, it broke me again. I would leave work in tears because people were messaging me or requesting me so I could see pictures, pictures of you. Pictures of you with them on trips. Trips that you claimed were “business trips.” How many were there? I lost count. There shouldn’t have been enough to count though. I should’ve left after the first one. I didn’t though.
You made me think that I was unlovable. You made me think, I fucked up my biological chemistry. I told you about my traumas. I told you about them in confidence. What did you do? You used them against me. You threw them in my face. You made me think everything was my fault.
I’m learning though. I’m learning that the horrible things that happened to me, weren’t all my fault. Some people are just real life monsters. Some people just prey on the vulnerable. You’re one of them. Those people I told you stories about? You’re just as bad as them. If not, worse, because your abuse, your abuse was hidden. That’s why nobody understood.
I’m still the
idiot in this story though. No matter what you did, you were just being your narcissistic self. Me on the other hand, I was dumb. I believed you every time. Every lie. I believed all of them. I don’t even know what was real and what wasn’t. That’s what’s sad. That’s why I’m sad. That’s why, two years later, I’m still feeling all of that pain. I’m still hurting.
I know I’ll heal though. I’ve healed a bit since, and I know I’ll heal completely with time. With time, you’ll just be another monster from my nightmares. A real life nightmare.
Fuck all those good memories I have of you. Sure, they’re there. Sure, you could be the very best, most wonderful boyfriend, ever, at times. Those times were so few though. Those times were so rare.
I’m grateful for all the meals you cooked me. For a short period, you would cook and pack my lunches for work so I would actually eat. I thought you actually cared. All the people who saw that, thought you were amazing. We were all wrong though. Sure, that was kind of you. Did you do it out of love though? I’m starting to doubt that.
It’s so sad to doubt that the person you were in your longest relationship with, ever loved you. It’s sad to think, that you were just another piece in the puzzle. Just another pawn in their game.
I want to say, you ruined so many years of my life. But you didn’t. I ruined them for myself. Looking back at my old blog posts, I see that now. I see that I knew it all. I see that deep down, I knew you weren’t good for me. I hoped you were though. I hoped for so much. For so long. Hope became a word between us, that was about us. It became so significant, and not only because I have it tattooed on my wrist, no. It was more than that. I had hope in you & you claimed to have hope in me.
There was a short period where you were in a depression. I tried so hard to get you out. I tried so hard to help. I did all I could. Then, when it was my turn, and I fell, you refused to pick me up. Now I know, you just weren’t strong enough. I needed me. I needed myself to pick me back up. I put so much hope into you, I shouldn’t have.
I’m learning, the strongest person that will ever help me, is me. I don’t need anybody else. Nobody else will ever know me as much as I know myself. I tried to get you to know me. I tried to open up to you about it all. I hoped you could help me feel better, you did the complete opposite. Lesson learned.
I won’t do that again. I won’t put all of my hope into another person, ever again. The only hope in my heart that I need, is with myself & my creator. I know I’m here for a reason. I know I have so much work to do. When I was with you, I put my life on pause. I put myself on hold. I was so focused on helping you succeed. I was so focused on trying to be your biggest cheerleader, that I forgot to root for myself. So nobody was. I had no cheerleaders, I had nobody in my corner, not even myself. I won’t ever do that again. We always put others first, we call others our number ones. When in reality, we need to be number one to ourselves. Nobody else deserves that spot. If we aren’t taking absolute care of ourselves, how do we expect anyone else to be in the picture?
I learned my lesson. I think. The lesson I learned – was don’t lose yourself. No matter what.
So my message to you; is always remember yourself. You are a person. You are lovable. You are capable. You are deserving & you are enough. You are fearfully & wonderfully made – that in itself, makes you absolutely incredible. Don’t let anyone, ever, make you feel inferior. You’re not. You absolutely matter. Even if the person that has your heart fails to see that. Please remember that you are worthy. Remember that, for yourself.