Like a Dream

I wrote about you. I wrote about you again last night. I hadn’t been inspired in awhile. Then I watched that video & I cried so much. I cried so much so I wrote. It was like I was writing to you, but honestly, I don’t even care if you read it.

You were there. It was you. You went through it all with me. So I’m sure you remember. The question is, do you even care?

I said I felt better after writing, that was true.

So why did I wake up today still feeling like I wanted to cry? Why did I wake up but feel like I haven’t? Why do I feel like I’m still in a dream? I don’t feel like today is real. I don’t feel like I’m, real. It’s almost as though I’m just running on autopilot, mentally – I’m not here.

Where did she go? Where did the healed, strong warrior go? Did I cause her to run & hide again? I need her back. I need her here. I need to feel like ME. I need to feel, normal. I just don’t. I don’t feel like me, I don’t feel like anything really.

Did I do this to myself? Did I cause this by watching that video, knowing I shouldn’t? Knowing it would be a trigger? I didn’t expect it to hit so close to home though. I didn’t expect to see me & you in that damn video. I didn’t expect that at all.

If I’m over you, like I say I am, then why do I still feel this way? Why does it still hurt oh so much? Is this trauma? Is this what it feels like after you’ve been through so much trauma, after you finally detach then find yourself triggered again? Did I do this to myself?

I want to put the blame on you. Typical me, wanting to put the blame elsewhere. You didn’t do anything this time though. So why does it feel so so real?

I haven’t been taking my meds.

The truth is, I haven’t been taking my meds this week. I know that screws me up. I was just so tired of the eating. So tired of the outrageous, constant hunger that I feel. The cravings for milkshakes & muffins, I can’t stand them! I give in, almost every single time. It’s like I can’t control it. I hate this stupid pill! I hate it so much! I lost 30 lbs when I was off it. Then I got back on it. I dreaded getting back on that stupid pill, but it’s the only thing that keeps me well.

So why did I just stop? I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking of the consequences. I just wanted the weight gain to stop!!! I’m 20 lbs up already again. I was so happy with how I looked finally, then this stupid pill messed it all up.

I’m not sure what to do. No other pills seem to keep me stable. No other pills allow me to feel like me, while keeping the crazy at bay, except for this. Stupid little pill.

I don’t want to fall. I don’t want to be depressed again. I feel like I can stop it. I feel like I can be in control… Is that true though? Because today, I don’t feel like me, I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I’m in a dream, a dream that’s just happening around me. I’m just in a bubble, nothing feels real.

There have been many new people who have come after you. I’ve met and had so many crushes since you, so why does it still affect me like this? It affects me so badly, it’s like, it’s happening all over again, all of it.

Sure, the other guys all had something cool about them. Something that attracted me to them, obviously. So why does it still feel like you happened just yesterday? Why does my heartache for you, as if it wasn’t 2 years ago since I left?

I know there was nothing we could do. You were never all in, like I was. You were never going to be my forever. So why does my heart hurt like if you were? You kept me a secret for so long. I had no clue. Your stories about me, they’re not even real. I don’t even know if you actually count our relationship. I do though.

I’ve been told you were married through it all, that’s what hurts the most. Is that true? Idk. Were you really married? I tried to ask you, you didn’t respond. You knew what I was referring to, you decided to keep quiet. So I decided to block you. I blocked you before you could feed me another lie.

Home-wrecker. Maybe I deserved it all? I had no clue though. You always called her your girlfriend, never your wife. My God. You had a whole ass wife while I was claiming you as my boyfriend. I claimed you as mine. You never were though. You were never going to be. I wish you would’ve avoided me. I wish you would’ve just been the guy I had memories of that I crushed on, but never got to know. That’s how our story should’ve went.

You left me. For her. I allowed you to go. I told you I wasn’t going to get in the way of you & your future if she was your real love. I let you go. I thought that would be it. I thought that was the end. It wasn’t though. It should’ve been.

You took me out days later. For my birthday. You talked about hanging out with me for my birthday. Then when you left to go back to her. I thought that was it. You still showed up though. You always showed up. You picked me up & took me out. You got me drunk & happy. Hopeful. Then the next day you disappeared. You should’ve stayed gone. I wish you had.

You didn’t though. That was 2015. My 24th birthday. I met you when I was 23.

I didn’t know that I would spend the next 3 birthdays with you. I didn’t know or expect any of it. I guess that’s the beauty of life & love. We take chances. We take risks. We know that there’s always a chance, that the person we give our heart to, won’t actually take care of it. That’s a risk we are willing to take. So why cry about it when it happens? Why become so distraught? I guess we start to trust. We build trust & we learn to love, we start to fall. So we definitely don’t expect them to let us fall hard, only to yank it all away.

When I met you, I was learning to be me. I was learning about myself. When I was with you, I lost myself completely. It took me 2 years. 2 whole years, to finally be ok. To finally feel happy & free…

That’s the way I’m supposed to be. Happy & Free.

I need to get back to me.

Today’s just a bump. Last night, I had a good cry. Today, I’ve been in a daze. Tomorrow though, tomorrow I’ll be ok.

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