March 27, 2013

Straight from my private Tumblr.

Day 1. Day 1. That was really, Day 1. The day I took psych meds for the first time. The day I finally decided to give in. It’s so weird looking back. Just reading that gives me flashbacks & I am literally in that moment. I didn’t want to give in. I didn’t want to start a med and then have to rely on it for the rest of my life…

It’s kinda funny but kinda sad. Like, Yo Alina – remember when you were scared to start Prozac? & look at you now, you’ve been prescribed 15+ different kinds of meds. Mostly because none of them seem to work on me.

I don’t know what made me look back on that today. Actually, I do. I haven’t posted in awhile & it’s been eating me alive. I want to commit to this. I want to dedicate actual time to writing. Not only for myself, but for you all. So I went to my old blog to find something I could share.

I know some of it may seem silly, but I hope in some way or some how through my blogs you are able to find one little detail that resonates with you, and I hope it makes you feel happier.

My life man. My life has been wild. It’s now basically September of 2021. I’m still on medication. I actually attend therapy now. I take my meds daily. I put in the work. I make a conscious effort to maintain my peace. I finally feel freakin good! Do you know how great that feels!? I honestly didn’t think I’d live long enough to ever say that again. I was so close to giving up.

I put in the work. I did this. With my support system by my side but nobody did this but me. So yes little college girl Alina, taking meds sucks. Yes depression and anxiety are horrible things we have to live with. But you know what? We freaking make it in the end! We don’t “die young & pretty”. We live to be older, we find a way to have peace in our heart. We find it in us to forgive everyone but most importantly, we forgive ourselves. And we grow. We keep stumbling, it’s inevitable, but we keep pushing through. Remember? “Just do the damn thing!” Yea. It’s time. It’s been time. & we’ve been doing it Alina. You never truly gave up. You tried, but it wasn’t time.

I finally realize that I have so much power in me. I need to use it for good. I never thought I was special. I never thought I was “good enough”. I thought I was weak.

These past few months — those negative intrusive thoughts disappeared. They were replaced with kind, loving words. With affirmations & motivational quotes.

Idk man. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’ve come such a long way. I need to not forget that. I need to not minimize what I’ve been through.

I love myself fully. I respect myself. I accept myself as I am.

Day 3079

Today is Monday, August 30, 2021. It’s been almost 8.5 years since I started this journey. It wasn’t until 2013 that I was first diagnosed with a “mood disorder.”

I hope you all are ready for the ride. This is my special outlet where I can be myself. So you’re going to see a lot of me. Well, you’ll read it and hopefully get a glimpse from my own eyes. Hold on to your butts because there’s a lot of turbulence ahead.

Leave a comment!

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: