Since I called myself out on the violent part, why not keep it going. So I say this a lot, but I really did only have eyes for him for the longest. He had the most handsome face I had ever seen, or so I thought. I thought this throughout our whole relationship. It’s even hard to admit that I still find him extremely attractive. But there was one brief moment, when I allowed my eyes to wander, and I always wonder… What if?
There was a short period of time that I was still somewhat strong, but I was slowly breaking apart. He had stopped paying as much attention to me as he used to. He stopped complimenting me as much as he used to. I felt him starting to detach himself. Looking back, that’s probably when it really should’ve ended, but we allowed it to drag out. Both of us. He didn’t stop it either.
There was, however, a point in time when my eyes landed on yet another magnificently handsome man. He was/is gorgeous. He is also talented and creative and ambitious. He was definitely a catch. Still is actually. He’s always seemed so genuine. I often wonder, what if? What if, I would’ve had the courage to leave the person I was with. The person that didn’t deserve me. What if, I had left him, and after time, allowed myself to get close to this person? What would’ve happened? It’s hard to know.
Anyway, the reason I’m saying this is because I’m on a roll. I want to be as open and honest as possible. So that means owning up to everything. I wasn’t perfect either. I never cheated though. Not like he thinks.
I often think of one night though, when he was ignoring me because he was out with his friends at a parade so I didn’t exist to him. Since I hadn’t heard from him, I decided to ask the other gloriously handsome man that I had just met what he was up to that night. I grew some courage and I played it cool. Me and the dude weren’t together I guess, so why not? So I went out with this other guy. I took one of my besties with me & we went to his apartment to get the night started. It was such a fun night! I had a blast with this guy that I was starting to have a crush on. I had a blast with this guy who had been giving me so much attention when I needed it most, and I didn’t realize I was falling into it. I was starting to feel some weird emotions towards this person. But how? I was madly in love with the guy who I thought was my twin flame? But the thing is, he had already broken up with me for who knows what for the millionth time. Things weren’t great. I knew there was someone else because I wasn’t getting as much attention. So of course, I fell into the lap of someone who was giving me the attention I needed.
The book recommendations, the talk of art and photography. He stimulated my mind in a way that my ex used to, but hadn’t done in awhile. The funny thing is, my ex accused me of cheating on him with this person. I didn’t though. When we started being friends it was innocent. I loved his works of art. They were captivating. It wasn’t until later that I realized, looking into his eyes felt almost exhilarating. He was captivating.
I didn’t get to experience that much though. Looking into his eyes I mean. There was one night, just one night. Things didn’t go far though. Even if we weren’t together, I couldn’t help but be tied to him. Or so I thought… Anyway, my ex saw us together. Tried to make me feel like I was “caught” by walking up to us at the bar, looking at me & saying, “oh sorry, I’m interrupting, then walking away.” That was pretty classic though. Dramatic much? You were so dramatic. You tried to make me feel caught, when I saw you walk in holding the girls hand! With my own eyes. What I was doing was so innocent. It was random, not planned. It didn’t feel fake at all. The guy was so cool to talk to. So cool to be around. He left that bar shortly after, and you were finally with me. I still remember, you said, “Your friends are leaving, you should go, catch up with them.” I was so confused. You made a scene then when I was finally next to you you told me to go? I asked if you were going to ignore me if I stayed. You said yes. You literally told me, that if I stayed you would still ignore me. So I left. I caught up with them. You know what happened next? What happened next haunts me. It haunts me but because I feel like I ruined something or stopped something from starting, that could’ve been the best thing for me. Who knows though, maybe not.
Me and that guy were talking, he pulled me close, he pulled me close and kissed me and it was one of the most passionate kisses I’d had in a long time. Our kisses weren’t that passionate anymore. I think there was too much hurt and bad energy between us already, that the passion had already began fading. So I kissed him back. I let him kiss me and I kissed him back. He told me how he was interested in me and that’s why he was giving me so much attention. I felt so many things! I felt giddy, surprised, I had butterflies! I felt guilty though. I don’t know why I felt so guilty. You literally had just told me to my face that if I stayed at the same bar, you were going to continue to ignore me. That should’ve been enough.
A lot happened that night with this guy. A lot also didn’t happen. I became attached to this guy though too. So quickly. I developed a crush so drastically. It could’ve been because I was hurting and looking for a way out, who knows. All I know, is that to this day, I wonder what would’ve happened if things had actually happened between me & that guy? What would’ve happened if I didn’t let my ex come over the next day? Who knows.
Anyway, this picture, this picture I’m pretty I sure I took for that guy. I think I was still dating my ex, I mean obviously I was because this was in his business partner’s suite at a concert. But I think I had already started looking the other way. I remember feeling pretty. So I asked my ex to take some pics of me. He asked who I was trying to look all sexy for, I said no one. Truth is, there was someone. There was someone that was not a no one. They could’ve become someone. They didn’t though. I developed a crush, so I guess you weren’t everything to me. He started to mean something to me too. It didn’t go anywhere though. So all those times you threw it in my face that I liked him, you weren’t wrong. We never did what you think though, that’s true. That other thing I said though, about it being so passionate, I didn’t just say that to hurt you. I said it because it was true. It felt passionate. When I was in his arms, something inside of me woke up. She didn’t stay awake long though. Eventually, he pulled away, and I had to let him go.
I stayed with my ex though. I stayed with him for a long time after. That guy though, I think about him often. Occasionally, he pops up on my feed, and I still get lost in his eyes. I wonder if he knows, just how beautiful he is. He seems genuinely beautiful, inside and out. It’s hard not to wonder, what if? I wonder if he will ever read this, I kind of hope not. I’d be so embarrassed for him to know how I felt about him. How beautiful I think he is. I don’t know why, but that kind of makes me shy. I liked him though, I liked him for awhile. I don’t think about crushes for that long usually. The fact that he still sends flutters through me, makes me wonder… I’ll never know though. He’s across the country & I have no plans to ever move back there. So I shouldn’t wonder, I just can’t help it. Because, what if?