The sad truth behind the photograph

Can you believe this picture was taken on a day that I was crying my eyes out? Lol. Really though, hours before this was taken, my ex and I had gotten into a fight. We fought because I was feeling emotional. I don’t quite remember anymore what caused me to become so emotional, but it was pretty bad. There’s a reason why my tattooed arm is actually hidden in this picture when it’s usually the one that I show off. The truth is, I was so distraught earlier that day that I engaged in self harm. I used to do it pretty regularly. It wasn’t necessarily a secret either. My ex knew what I was doing when I was hiding in the bathroom. He told me he was ok with it.

It blows my mind looking back. I don’t even recognize that person that I was anymore. I know it’s real though because I still have the scars. I just can’t believe that I had absolutely no love for myself. I hurt myself and allowed someone else to hurt me as well.

That person isn’t who I am anymore though. I’ve learned the true meaning of self-love. I try to practice self-care. All because I know my self-worth. I refuse to fall back down to the point of stooping that low again. I refuse to have anyone in my life, that doesn’t value me either.

Today has been an eye opener to my progress. I say it all the time, but man I’ve come so far! Today I realized, people CAN look at me & say “You’re goals!” Someone said that to me after I shared my story with them. Another friend, told me they look to me for advice and trust my judgment. I used to believe I was a horrible, ugly person. I hated myself so much. I thought the majority of others hated me too.

Today, it’s apparent that that’s not true. People do love me. People do care. People CAN appreciate me. People CAN see me as a positive person.

I was told I was super negative, always negative, too negative… all the time. I believed it was true. Thank you friends, for proving those words false. They’ve been engraved in my brain for years. Today, I realize, those words are false.

That picture was taken 5 years ago. That happened 5 years ago. I think it’s been, maybe 2 years, since I engaged in that behavior. So I’m good now. I have grown and healed. It still makes me sad though, looking at this picture & noticing my arm & remembering that I was so distraught that I had to hurt myself… I hope I never ever feel that way ever again. And if I do, I hope I have acquired the strength & tools necessary to keep avoiding engaging in that behavior. I hope I can continue loving and taking care of myself, instead of relying on that to come from an outside source. I hope the same for you. Remember your worth, acknowledge your value.

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