Recently, I’ve talked a lot about how bad my last relationship was. I’ve mentioned a lot of the horrible things I had to sit through because I chose to stay. I chose to beg and ask this person to stay with me because I loved him & I believed he loved me so I thought we could work through everything. I’ve mentioned a lot of things, not to bash him, not to be negative, but to heal. I ignored a lot of things for a long time. It was time for me to face the truth. To see reality for what it was.
Going into the new year though, I don’t want to focus on that. I want to share with you all the progress that I’ve made in just 6 months.
I started deepTMS in May of this year. I underwent that noninvasive procedure for the second time. The first time I tried TMS was in 2018 I believe. Maybe 2019 before I moved here, I don’t quite remember to be honest. I did it in Tampa before I moved to Utah. I did it and although there were subtle differences, it wasn’t enough to help me out of the funk I was in.
I was in a dark depression for years. Ever since I was a child I remember fantasizing about death. I remember wishing I could just disappear, not exist anymore. I went through a lot of horrible things in my life that made my brain turn to those dark thoughts. They were comfortable for a long time. They were where my mind always went when things went bad. I didn’t want to be like that forever though.
I finally started to see things in a different light. I started to notice the beauty all around me. Somehow, I tapped into a different side of me that wanted to not just survive, but to actually live a happy life. So I made a commitment to myself to get better.
I decided to try various methods to help my brain heal and be more balanced. I put in a lot of work. I had to.
All of that work was not for nothing. Sure, some things that I tried like medications and certain kinds of therapies didn’t work. I wanted to give up, but I didn’t. I’m so glad that I didn’t give up. My sister would sit and talk to me when she knew I was losing hope. She encouraged me not to lose hope. She assured me that if whatever I was trying didn’t work, that wasn’t the end. There are a ton of different methods out there that people have found useful to snap out of their depression. She assured me, if TMS didn’t work, we could always try something else.
I found myself losing hope when I was going through TMS. I was still struggling, bad. I was getting ketamine IV infusions to help snap me out of it. Some days it seemed like it worked, other days though, it was like I wasn’t doing anything at all when I actually was. I stayed consistent with my treatment. Even when it felt like it wasn’t helping, I still went. I still sat in that chair and had that thing put on my head. I still was honest and open with the techs about where I was mentally. Since I was honest, I was able to see how big of a difference the procedure actually made.
When you’re doing TMS the techs ask you questions to evaluate your anxiety and depression levels. When I went in, my anxiety and depression were pretty severe. I was so close to the edge, I could feel myself slowly slipping away. That’s why I decided to try it. It was going to cost a lot of money, but to me, that was worth it if at the end I could actually find joy again and enjoy life.
I had my doubts about it, especially since I had already tried it once before. This time though, I listened to the doctor & gave it time. He told me it’s different for everyone. Some people notice differences and feel better right away. For others, it would take until they were completely done and then a month later they would notice how great they actually felt. That was the case for me.
I felt a bit of relief sometimes with the ketamine. It definitely opened up my mind to a world I had known about but had chosen to ignore for so long.
After TMS, I stopped ignoring the beauty around me. I finished around June or July, but it wasn’t until August that I truly noticed the difference.
Things are a lot different for me now. I have a different mindset. I’m not stuck in a deep depression and I no longer feel anxiety coursing throughout my entire body.
I’ve been able to go and do things by myself – which before, I couldn’t leave the house by myself. I had too much anxiety to do anything alone. That slowly went away. I found myself taking myself on dates. Going to restaurants alone. I started enjoying everything around me again. I found myself smiling for no reason once again.
It was pretty crazy. It almost felt like from one day to the next, I was a completely new person. It’s like I started to tap back into ME.
Now, I’ve filled my brain with so much knowledge & I have a thirst for more.
I’m not cured per say, but I’m a lot better. I’m healing. I feel happy, I look healthy, and I just feel overall better. I feel amazing!
This is only the beginning though! I can’t wait to share with you all everything I’ve learned and all the goals I’m setting for myself.
I want you all to know, my brain doesn’t function like a normal persons brain should. I hated that for years. I hated that I felt things more intensely than most. I don’t hate it anymore though. I’m embracing every part of me & realizing that they aren’t flaws, they are gifts. Gifts that I can’t wait to share with the world!
If you’re going through depression, please don’t lose hope. There are options. You CAN get better. Happiness is achievable. You just have to make a commitment to yourself & be willing to put in the work EVERYDAY! It sounds hard, but it’s much harder being stuck in a depression. So please, don’t lose hope.