I realized, a week has gone by & I’ve yet to post.
I don’t want that to happen. I want to stay consistent. So I scrambled & searched & found these thoughts of mine in my notes from 8.5.2021.
So here ya go… I told you, everything is random, nothing goes… just go with it. 🙃🥴
Oh & that’s my cute niece up there.
I’m not quite sure why I never really had the gene in me. Motherhood was never something I looked forward to. It’s never been something I’ve aspired to be, a mother.
Sure, people sometimes say I am good with kids. Yea it’s fun and cool to watch them grow, but I think that’s about it. I just don’t think I’ve ever had it in me. The want or need to be a mother. To create and give another human being life. Sure, that’s magical, something every mother should be proud of after doing. It really does take an awful lot to go through that. Most women say it’s so worth it and willingly go through it over and over again.
Not me. I’ve never been pregnant, so I’ve definitely never given birth. But ya know what, that’s totally cool. It’s totally ok to not want to be a mom. I sometimes wonder if that makes me selfish. The more and more I think of it though, I realize it doesn’t. It’s not selfish to know yourself and your limits. Its not selfish to choose to remain childless, when you know that is the best, and safest option.
Recently, I discovered that the life expectancy of someone with Bipolar Disorder is shorter than that of the average person. I think we are only expected to live to be about 60 something. I’m not going to lie, for a second that bummed me out. It made me realize, I really never will have children. I realized I’m already 30 years old and I would hate to bring someone into this world and not even be able to fully watch them grow up. I realized I don’t have much time left. If I wanted kids, I would’ve needed to have had them already, and I didn’t. Thank goodness. Thank goodness because the reality is I’m still not completely ok. I’m not balanced. I’m not stable. I don’t think I have the patience in me that is needed, to actually be a mom… but that’s ok.
I love my nieces and nephews dearly, don’t get me wrong. However, I know, I really wouldn’t be a good mom. The screaming and crying drives me insane. So insane that I get the urge to do it back to them. Which is silly. It’s stupid. A baby doesn’t understand what you’re doing if you scream back to match them, they just get freaked out and scream even more.