3/7/22 – Nightmares of You

“All because of you, I haven’t slept in so long”…

These lyrics I used to find comfort in, because they reminded me of you. I used to find comfort in the thought of lying next to you.

Now I can’t sleep because my nights are consumed by nightmares of you. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares are what you turned those beautiful memories into.

You’ve poisoned my brain, you’ve poisoned my thoughts. I hate sleeping now, because when I do, I can’t stop the nightmares of you.

I woke up drenched in sweat today. I woke up shaking and crying with sweat all over my body. The nightmares wouldn’t stop last night. I woke up every hour, trying to rid my brain from those wretched thoughts of you. Memories. They are all derived from horrible memories that I wish weren’t true.

In my nightmare there you were, handsome as ever. I never imagined that I would find brown eyes so beautiful. I never imagined that the most beautiful face I had ever laid eyes on, could one day end up being the ugliest face that I dread to see.

I blocked you for 4 months. I blocked you & I felt great about it. I was finally ridding myself of you. Then I remembered, my laptop. I had a laptop that I left with you. Why did I forget it? I’m not sure. I don’t remember. Maybe I couldn’t carry it with all my stuff and Bella when I moved. Either way, I remembered you had it. So I unblocked you to ask for it.

Here and there you’ve made stupid comments. Stupid comments of how you missed me and sometimes think of me. To you, that is nothing, but to me, those words meant everything.

I adored you. I loved you with all that I was. All that I am. All that I ever could be. Yet you destroyed me. You mentally destroyed me.

I reached out today. I reached out to let you know that the traumatic memories you put me through are still engraved in my brain. Your response? “But I’m a thousand miles away.” Yet you are kinda right, you still are wrong. You still fail to see the larger picture of it all. You still refuse to acknowledge the truth, you still refuse to own up to what you did to me. Your response was clear.

I want nothing to do with you. Please. Stay out of my thoughts. Please brain, just do away with all of the memories of him. I hate reliving them. I hate remembering. Why must you make me live through those horrible moments over & over again?

“It’s been years”, is what you said. Which is true. It has been years. But my heart doesn’t realize that. No, my heart still hurts as if it was just yesterday that I leaned in to give you a kiss but you turned your face away.

My heart still remembers opening notebooks and finding girls numbers. Finding their numbers in notebooks I gifted to you.

My heart still remembers, laying in bed with you and thinking the world of you, meanwhile you were sending texts of sweet nothings to others. Why?

Why did you do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve all of this pain? When I tell you I’d rather die than relive all of those moments again, I truthfully mean it. I would rather die.

Please God, just let me die or erase those memories. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. It’s too much for me to bear. It’s way too much for me to feel. I just don’t want to feel anything for you at all anymore or ever again.

I told you to send the laptop then stay out of my life. Although it hurts me to say that, it’s what I need.

I need to be free. I need to be absolutely free of you so that one day you will only be a distant memory with no meaning attached. I can’t wait for the day, that you mean nothing to me. Because truth is, you are still everything to me. Even now. And I fucking hate it.

Please God, just make it stop. I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep wishing things would’ve turned out differently. I can’t keep wondering what was so wrong with me. I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t.

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