A black hole. That’s what I used to call my depression. Every time I felt it creeping back up I would say that I was falling back into my black hole.
“A black hole is a region of space time where gravity is so strong that nothing – no particles or even electromagnetic radiation such as light – can escape from it.”Wikipedia
It sounds intense when you think of what a black hole really is. But that was my depression, it was intense. It felt like I was being sucked into a black hole and unable to see any light. It felt like I had no options or choices, that I was just going to die. I wanted to die. I felt like I needed to die. I felt like that was the only way to escape the pain. To make the pain stop. It was hurting so bad. All of me. I was hurting. It was truly painful. It was unbearable. It was the most frightening thing ever, to be so hopeless and feel so helpless.
But some how, the light managed to shine through. The light inside of me chose to shine brighter and brighter until it was strong enough to pull me out. The light overcame the darkness and I won.
A year ago today, I made a post on Facebook about not being okay. I said I was trying and that I was hopeful. Here it is:
I tried everything. I finished TMS. I started writing affirmations on my mirrors. I started reading Oracle cards to provide me guidance and wisdom. I started reaching out for help when I felt down. I became more vocal about what I was going through. I opened up my DBT Skills handbook & refreshed my brain on the skills I had learned back in 2018. I bought a therapy lamp. I did so many different little things. Somewhere along the journey something worked. Or maybe it was the accumulation of everything working together.
I’m not sure when things changed. I don’t think there was just one day that I woke up better. I feel like it was all gradual as a result of all the work I put in.
At times, trying to be ok and happy can get exhausting. It’s a lot of work. I have to make a conscious effort every single day to do something good for my mental health. Sometimes I get lazy. Sometimes I forget my meds. But I try my hardest to stay on track.
Sure the work is hard, it’s difficult and sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t have to do all these things. But the reality is that I do, at least for now. I have to do all of these things for now to keep me happy, sane, and stable.
It sounds annoying, but I’ll take annoying over miserable any day. I refuse to fall back. I know it’s a possibility and will always be a possibility with this brain of mine, but I refuse to willingly fall back into that black hole.
I literally cry thinking about how drastically things have changed. No longer do I feel a heaviness in my heart. Good. Because I don’t miss that feeling.
I finally feel like I know peace. I finally feel like I’m taking control of my life. Like I’m in charge.
It’s been a long, long road. The journey isn’t over yet. It’s actually just getting good. I’m eager to see what else the future has in store for me!
Anyway I guess this is an appreciation post to myself.