I stumbled for a moment. Sure, it really sucked. But you know what? Despite the setbacks, I am proving to myself EVERY DAY that I’m slowly maintaining control of myself, my emotions, my actions, and my life.
Sure, I still feel intensely & when things happen – my BPD flares up. However, no longer am I stuck in my black hole when things do happen. I don’t even seem to fall all the way in. It’s like I lose my balance & almost fall, but I’ve finally found the ways to pick myself back up. No longer do I allow minor setbacks to destroy my whole week or my whole life. No longer do I allow the ugly, intrusive thoughts to make me think this is just it, that this should be the end.
Living with BPD is hard. Thinking you’re in remission then feeling like you’ve fallen again can be disheartening. But I am reminded by my beautiful friends, my biggest supporters, of how far I’ve come. & I can’t ignore that. I can’t ignore the progress I’ve made. I’m actually really freaking proud of myself.
For a moment there, I fell off. I hated everything about myself for a day. I thought I was the most hideous, disgusting creature to ever exist because, well, with BPD it’s hard to know balance. It’s hard to not go to those extremes. But you know what I did? I put my face on & brushed my hair. I allowed the confidence that I tend to hide inside of me to come back out. I had to remind myself of who I am, all I’ve done, & how far I’ve come & I found myself again.
It’s hard having mood swings. It’s hard living with such ugly thoughts. But that doesn’t have to be reality. Those thoughts don’t have to stay. I allowed myself to feel. I allowed myself to cry. But then just like that, I allowed those feelings to pass me by.
Don’t give up on me. I know I’m an emotional roller coaster at times, but I’m trying. & you know what? I’m ok with that. Progress is progress no matter how big or small.